Sex Survey is here… and there is much to fear !
Columns, In Black & White

Sex Survey is here… and there is much to fear !

Like every year two magazines spice up our senses with an orgasmic edition! Yes, the mischievous editors of Outlook and India Today are adding to the premature heat wave with wild stories based on their Sex Surveys. And it’ll make you wet…I mean sweat, with confusion, fear and delight.

The Outlook edition is called ‘Partnership and Pleasure’ while India Today summarised 15 years of their sex surveys and called their edition ‘The Naked Truth.’

Every year these two magazines go where no other magazines dare to — under the bed sheets of Indians and the findings are more colourful than our recent  Holi party.

In fact, you might think the Bhang effect is still lingering as some of the findings are just unbelievable. According to the survey, 72% of Indian men claim that they fantasise about having sex only with their spouse! Even in their fantasy, it’s their wife?! It seems, the gift of imagination has been wasted on these men.

Now, as I finished reading this statistic my eyes dived deep into a crevice…sorry cleavage, it was Sunny Leone yearningly staring at me saying “Manforce… jasmine flavoured condoms.” My legs started shaking a little bit…not because of  Sunny but it was fear creeping in after what I read further.

It seems, 42% of Indians practised some form of kinky sex! Yes, prudish Indians and that too millions of them are going to their ‘nether’land with feather in hand!

The survey also states that 21% of Indian men like BDSM! By the way BDSM stands for Bondage, Domination, Sadism and Masochism. So who are these men who want to be tied, whipped, have hot wax poured on them and climax when spat on?! These guys should be recruited by RAW and sent as spies to Pakistan because if they get caught they will enjoy the torture instead of fearing it. Our information will be safe. It’s a win-win.

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What was also surprising is that it seems 12% Indian couples have tried handcuffs in bed! But…where does one get handcuffs? Do you rent them from cops? It’s all a bit scary. But I was calmed down again as in the very next page Sunny Leone was curling her tongue and telling me “Manforce…Strawberry flavoured condoms.”

But just as the fear of BDSM was pulling out, delight pulled me back right in and I realised I had to relocate to Hyderabad. Why? Well, it seems 67% of people in Hyderabad have had sex with people they didn’t really know!  And since no one knows me in Hyderabad I thought it would be a “satisfying” trip. Also I could turn it into a business trip since 4% home-makers in Hyderabad paid for sex!

While Hyderabad is fun, ladies please stay away from Ludhiana because 97% of the men in this city supposedly like Sadomasochistic sex! Which basically means, if you are dating a man from Ludhiana you better have health insurance and an ambulance parked outside before you jump into bed. Even safer, just book a ward instead of a room.

But by far the most naïve women in India have to be the ones in Jaipur because 67% of them did not know why they had an abortion! Someone needs to organise a tubectomy drive in Jaipur because we cannot allow such dull genes to be passed on.

But the most intriguing statistic was from a 2012 survey where it said that in India 63% of the women were willing to forgive their husbands for cheating with a woman, but if they cheated with a man, they would never forgive him?!

First off, cheating with a man would make him a homosexual…which is an unchangeable biological finality, it was not his choice. But cheating with a woman means he did it consciously and this is forgiveable?! Just as  confusion set in there she was again, Sunny showing her best asset…her big bright smile, telling me “Manforce…Chocolate flavoured condoms.”

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All this confusing information and Sunny constantly telling me to try Jasmine, Strawberry and Chocolate, made me think for a  moment that my name was “Manforce” and she wanted me to eat flavoured candies.

Now these surveys and articles are confusing because they are not accurate. India is too diverse culturally for one survey to define us all. These sex surveys do nothing more than appeal to our voyeuristic senses.

At best these magazines may be trying to impress upon us that we live in a liberal society. But the fact is: No, we don’t. Even when it comes to sex , we still continue to live in a hypocritical and parochial society.

The very fact that in every page Sunny Leone tried to appeal to a man, is proof of that.  There was not a single ad for any female contraceptive. There was no bare chested, butt-crack showing John Abraham telling the ladies “Womanforce… Chocolate flavoured pill for a fun evening.”

Also why are the contraceptives for men designed to look fun and playful, while contraceptives for women are made to look like medicine?  A packet of i-pill looks like it should be opened only in a lab instead of a bedroom. Why can’t they make it look like a packet of Cadbury’s Gems instead. Let women have fun too. But no we don’t. We will only act liberal in faceless and nameless surveys.

For now, after reading these surveys, I feel my alter ego is “Manforce” Muthanna and I shall befriend a tongawallah,  a cop and someone in the Zoo. I need to borrow a whip, handcuff and some feathers and head to Hyderabad… Oh! I forgot I have a wife and she is a fierce “Womanforce.” So I guess enforcing my “Manforce” has to be put on hold.

 e-mail: [email protected]

March 18, 2017

2 COMMENTS ON THIS POST To “Sex Survey is here… and there is much to fear !”

  1. Hocfenner Mistry says:

    The condom ad has a purpose to promote safe sex or should I say safer sex practices. I would think sunny being pretty, attractive suits the idea of sex and men find her seductive also popular celebrity now in india. The sex surveys confuse me though interest in sex amongst Indians is healthy for the body and mind. The only worry is not having consent and the problems of rape, sexual abuse which is concerning as women need to be equal partners and be satisfied with the men they choose to have sex. It does expose us to the differences in practices which is not very different in the rest of the world.
    Hope Indians will surely understand that sex is enjoyed and not enforceable also it is about reciprocating a woman’s desire to be sexually liberated and be pleasures without feeling like a slut.
    What is good for the goose they say is good for the gander!
    Thanks sunny for taking the initiative towards safe sex practices.

  2. Vardhan says:

    Good sense of humour. Well written!! Can’t stop laughing!!

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