Just when I thought they had become flaccid and would not ‘put out’ another issue, India Today magazine released the findings of their yearly sex survey. While every year many of us look forward to this edition for its entertainment value, it also gives men performance anxiety as the survey reports the new wants of women, which means men have to unzip their full potential.
Now, this edition of India Today is ‘All sexed up,’ that’s the title of the edition. And after reading it my mind was all mixed up as I was left feeling Mysuru is truly the cleanest city. We didn’t figure in any of the sexy stuff that the other Tier-2 cities were doing. Some may call us boring and mock us as the ‘Hermitage City’ but let it be, because if we have the itch we will head to Ahmedabad for a scratch. It turns out 26% of people in Ahmedabad have had ‘affairs’! Guess when you are in a dry State, that’s the only way to get wet and high. After all, romance is a heady ‘cocktail.’
But if we Mysureans really feel sexually adventurous, it’s just down there for us, as in, go to Kochi, Kerala. It seems, Kochi is not only the city with the second highest number of affairs at 20.5% where 49% say they have been unfaithful to their partner, but also a city where 62% of the people said they would forgive their spouses if they catch them cheating! Guess, coconut oil truly keeps a head cool but unfortunately NOT one’s pants! Apart from that, Kochi came first in their love for ‘Group Sex’! They also said that 94% rated their partners’ sexual performance as good…but we wonder which partner? Because in a group it’s hard to know who did whom and what. Anyway, one thing is clear…it may be God’s Own Country…but it is also the Devil’s playground.
Now, if you are struggling with sexual-orientation issues, as in, if you are not sure if you are heterosexual or gay…you’ll be happy to know that there is a place you can go to clear that confusion — Ranchi. It seems, 96% of the people surveyed in this city have indulged in bisexual acts! Guess Bum Pals has a hole…sorry whole different meaning in Ranchi.
Also in the survey Guwahati seemed vain as 61% in Guwahati said their partners’ appearance is extremely important during sex. Now this is confusing; what do they mean ‘during sex’ ? Does the faces of people in Guwahati change when they are doing it?! But astonishingly only 19% of Indians said they care about the attractiveness of their partner! So are we to believe that 78% of Indians don’t care if their partner is ugly?! Guess, with the constant power cuts it doesn’t really matter, it’s going to be in the dark anyway!
Our State did make it to the list, and for a beautiful reason. Bengaluru ranked the highest, a whopping 92% said they were in love! What about the other 8%? Well, they better get into single man’s favourite sexual position; man on top, women in magazine.
Apart from the survey of Tier-2 cities, the magazine also did an overall national survey. And the findings were surprising. It seems, 28% Indians are quite keen on having sex in public! Seriously? Are we to believe that over 200 million Indians want to do it in public? Are they confusing sex with defecation? Also could it be that they cannot afford a place and so are forced to do it in public?
Even more interesting, the survey says 42% of Indians like Kinky sex! It seems, we love domination, submission and role-playing sex! Wonder what ‘role-playing’ these couples did? Call their act ‘sex hour’ and announce, “Darling you be Arnab and shout me into orgasm?” Also what do they use for domination act, a chapathi-roller and ladle? Oh! This reminds me of another joke about difference between erotic and kinky. It seems, when you use a feather, it’s erotic. When you bring a live chicken into the act, that’s kinky.
But the most shocking deduction was that 60% of Indians don’t masturbate. Really?! It’s a natural act, also if God did NOT want us to indulge in this self-satisfying act he wouldn’t have made our hands so long now, would he? By the way, which city has the most hands-on people…Chennai!
Also every year there is one physical attribute that the survey reveals which supposedly impresses the opposite sex, usually it is abs, but this year it seems 37% of Indian women were turned on by strong shoulders and back. Damn! This has to be Bahubali movie effect. So do ladies expect us to carry them on our shoulder and back like Prabhas carried that huge linga in Bahubali?!
Apart from the survey results, there is one more entertaining aspect of this particular issue — Advertisements. Every other page in this sex survey story had an advertisement. First was from a condom company called ‘Manforce.’ Now, why would you name a condom that? Such a name raises the expectations of women which will petrify men enough to under-perform? Instead of helping to climax, it could lead to an anti-climax.
Even more, the condom comes in Chocolate, Strawberry, Coffee, Green Apple, Black Grapes and other “exciting” flavours! Are we supposed to eat these or wear these condoms? Why couldn’t they just name it ‘Man-Up,’ it sounds like a ‘pep talk’ and will pump you up to perform.
There was another ad for a ‘passion capsule’ called 303. Now why would anyone name their product after the least used rifle in the world, that too a sex capsule? How can you impress a limp man to buy a capsule that will help him fire… like an OLD 303?! Why not just put the more efficient AK47.
But by far the best ad was by Vancor, a penis enhancer. Basically they say they can turn a 303 rifle into a Bofors cannon. They say “Vacurect vacuum device can make your love ‘spring’ back to life” and “raises confidence.” But for how long, we wonder.
In the end, these surveys are more for entertainment but they do correctly signal that there is a steady increase of sexual empowerment among women. There seems to be a sense of equality creeping even into our bedrooms. And it’s all for the good. But then once again we wish India Today would interview more than just 4,000 people to convey the preferences of a nation with 1.2 billion people. For now, this is just a teaser survey that should be consumed for entertainment rather than be taken seriously enough to board the next flight to Kochi.
P.S: A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face, and the egg is frowning and looks unsatisfied and put off. The egg then mutters, “I guess we answered that question.”
e-mail: vikram@starofmysore.com
This post was published on February 20, 2016 10:20 pm