Fleeting Thoughts By Ashvini Ranjan

As soon as I receive a wedding invitation, I follow a strict ‘Standard Operating Procedure’ (SOP). I take out a red-coloured highlighter and make a prominent entry in my Bangalore Press Calendar on my desk. The date is treated almost like a medical appointment, not to be forgotten, postponed or, under any circumstances, missed!

I developed this habit after suffering the embarrassment of arriving at a wedding reception days after the wedding was over. The cheeky security guard outside the wedding hall had the gall to tell me, with a mischievous twinkle in his eyes, “The couple have already gone on their honeymoon saar.”  Smarty pants I thought.

With the increasing number of wedding halls, I now note the name of the venue with equal prominence. When wedding venues are next to one another, one can easily become a victim of what I call ‘Wedding Hall Confusion Syndrome’, a condition with no known treatment.

I cannot forget the financial loss I once suffered because of this. I entered the wrong venue and realised my mistake only when I was a few steps away from the bride and groom. By then, there was no escape route. Turning back would have been more embarrassing than staying on. I therefore decided to face the music, even though it was not my music.

So, I handed over my expensive wedding gift to complete strangers.

The bride looked happy but thoroughly confused when I introduced myself as ‘Santa Claus.’ She insisted that my wife and I pose for a photograph. The photographer, apparently unaware of the emotional trauma I was undergoing, cheerfully said, “Smile, please.”

I confess I muttered a bad word followed by, “I won’t smile!”

I heard my wife beside me say, “Ssssshh!”

I prefer attending a wedding reception in the evenings than a Muhurtam. It is quicker if the queue to meet the couple is not too long. Skip the buffet if you can resist the temptation of the offerings at the dessert counter.  You can be out in minutes. But lately, the queues to meet the bride and groom keep getting longer, while the pace at which the queue progresses keeps getting slower.

At some weddings, I begin to wonder whether I have come to greet the couple or apply for a US Visa.

There are two major villains who slow down the speed of the queue. First is the wedding photographer.

He behaves as though he is directing a beauty pageant, a Bollywood blockbuster and a military parade all at the same time. First, he arranges people height-wise. Then breadth-wise. Then he decides who should stand next to whom. Someone is shifted two inches to the left, another person is pulled forward.

Finally, with the flourish of a maestro conducting an orchestra, he announces:

“Smile, please!”

And everybody smiles. Genuinely a synthetic smile ! It feels like facial ‘Rigor Mortis’ if the photographer insists on a second or a third click.

To this day, I have not been able to figure out who in his or her right mind will ever have the time or the inclination to look at the hundreds of photographs taken at a wedding. The couple will probably see some of them on their wedding anniversary. Their children may see a few years later and the rest will spend the next fifty years in pen drives or cloud storage.

The second villain is the group of people, hale and hearty, who believe that their wealth and social status make it infra dig to stand in a queue with ordinary people like us. Shamelessly, they enter from the exit side. They have perfected the art of ‘Queue Jumping with Dignity.’ They simply walk in with the confidence of people who appear to own not only the wedding hall but possibly the road leading to it.

While standing in these endless queues, I have thought of several innovative ideas. Future generations should give serious thought to implementing them.

First: The wedding queue should be placed on a conveyor belt.

Everyone moving on it will know exactly how long it will take to reach the couple and exit. No pushing, no overtaking and, most importantly, no wrong-side entry. The speed of the belt should be adjustable depending on the crowd.

For a large wedding, it can be adjusted to ‘express-delivery’ mode.

Second: No still photographs. Only video photography. The photographer can be made to stand at a fixed point along the conveyor belt. As the guests pass him, he can shout, “Smile, please!” without bringing the entire traffic system to a halt. The couple can then wave at the passengers  and keep the reception moving. After all, we are there to bless the newly married couple, not to audition for a family album.

Third: A health drink should be provided to keep us adequately hydrated. After all, standing in a wedding queue is technically not an exercise, but it certainly feels like one.

And while we are introducing reforms, I have one more modest suggestion:

Implement the ‘NO GIFT’ rule strictly if mentioned in the invite, both in letter and spirit.

I recall my own wedding half a century ago. In spite of the prominent ‘NO GIFTS PLEASE’, we received four rice cookers, three irons, several flower vases and an assortment of objects whose purpose we could not immediately identify. It took us several years to identify suitable couples to re-gift them.

It may not be too far in the future before weddings become completely digitised.

The wedding invitation may simply say:

“You are cordially invited. Please click the Zoom link.”

Imagine the advantages.

No formal dressing.

No parking problems.

No traffic congestion.

No searching for the correct wedding hall.

No standing in queues.

No risk to your digestive system.

Most importantly, No photographer saying, “Smile, please!”

You can attend the wedding comfortably from your favourite chair, in a pair of shorts, wave to the couple, offer your blessings and log off when you have participated sufficiently.

Until then, I shall continue following my Standard Operating Procedure (SOP).

Red highlighter. Correct date. Correct venue. And before entering any wedding hall, I shall carefully check the name of the bride and groom.

And if my revolutionary, cost-saving, queue-busting ideas are ever adopted, you are welcome to thank me.

Preferably digitally!