Most of us love travelling. We don’t mind rustic travel when we are young, but as we get older, we are inclined to have, if not a luxurious travel experience, then at least a comfortable one, especially foreign travel. This, of course, costs more money, but I won’t give up.

Over the years, I have visited numerous websites to get discounted premium seats. I have patiently collected points to upgrade to business class. I have developed slavish relationships with travel agents who can pass on their special discounts. But now, thanks to recent developments in air travel, all this madness will stop.

I have found the perfect ‘piss-ness plan’ to get an upgrade. I have found a partner willing to pee on me and get peed on!

No, this is not some Donald Trump-like ‘golden shower’ fetish, where he attended a party where he watched women pee. Mine is for the sake of a ticket upgrade.

My ‘piss-ness’ partner and I have made this ‘piss-ness plan’ — We book economy tickets, and one pees on the other during the onward journey. One gets a ‘susu-upgrade’ to business or first class while the other gets on the no-fly list for 30 days. A month later, we switch roles. Viola!

I even told my wife, “Next anniversary trip, you will fly first class”. She bluntly asked how? I said, “You just have to let me pee on you, and then they will upgrade you to the first class. Next trip, you can help me get an upgrade.”

I assumed she would be impressed. But then she stared at me in shock. I thought she was disappointed that I had not seen the flaw in my ‘piss-ness plan’. So, I added, “Oh! Right, it won’t work. Ladies cannot pee standing, so I guess I won’t get an upgrade. Only you will.” She baulked and declared she had married a pervert.

My wife is wrong, of course. I’m not a pervert, nor are the two men who peed on fellow passengers. The two men were just ‘that Indian’, that uncivil Indian. That Indian who doesn’t care a damn about his fellow citizens.

Many of us don’t give a damn about how our behaviour in public spaces affects the lives of others. Be it loudspeakers blaring from religious structures, spitting in public places, cutting lines or standing up in the aircraft before the planes come to a complete halt. We constantly inconvenience our fellow citizens and even put their lives in danger. We enter one-ways, drive without headlights, etc…

The punishment for bad and dangerous behaviour on an aeroplane is not severe enough. Bad behaviour on a train or bus is alright. These won’t kill everyone on the train or bus. But bad and dangerous behaviour can be catastrophic in a pressurised tube filled with over 350 men, women and children, moving at 800 kilometres an hour, 30,000 feet above the earth’s surface. Punishment should be delivered keeping this in mind. It should be severe enough that it acts as a deterrent.

Five months ago, in August 2022, Union Minister Jyotiraditya Scindia said India will have 40 crore air travellers by 2027! From 2019 to 2020, air travellers numbers jumped from 6 crore to 20 crore. This being the case, the Government has to formulate stringent laws for ‘air rage’, which is on the rise.

Every other day we hear of someone peeing, refusing to bring their seat to the upright position, abusing the crew, getting into brawls with co-passengers etc.

As airline tickets become more accessible to more Indians, there will be more first-time flyers, and many will be ignorant about flying etiquette. In time, more uncouth and uncultured people will have access to a mode of transport that depends on its passengers’ good behaviour for its safety. This means severe punishment will be imperative to act as a deterrent.

To this end, all nations need to formulate laws to prosecute badly behaved passengers from their respective countries because air rage is rising worldwide.

The United States Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) reports about 150 cases of air rage on US airlines. To deal with the menace of abusive passengers, FAA has launched a zero-tolerance policy, proposing fines of up to $37,000 per violation. Australia’s airlines impose penalties of up to $11,100 on anyone who assaults a passenger or crew member or disrupts flights.

The Directorate General of Civil Aviation (DGCA) has banned the Air India-peeing passenger for 30 days, but he can fly another airline internationally, so what’s the point?

 As boozy passengers are becoming a major problem serving alcohol needs a major re-think on flights.

 When a bartender in most western nations can refuse to serve alcohol to a patron who he feels is too drunk and misbehaves in the establishment, why not an airhostess? There has to be some way to stop drunk, unruly and belligerent passengers on board.

 For now, thank God the man didn’t open the exit door, thinking it was the toilet door. It would have been the piss of death for all.

 Meanwhile, we wonder what’s going through comedian Kunal Kamra’s mind. The comedian who confronted and verbally harassed news anchor Arnab Goswami on an Indigo flight when it was still boarding was banned for six months. But a drunk man who peed on a senior citizen is given a 30-day ban?!

I’m sure Kunal Kamra must be thinking he should have kept his lips zipped and pants unzipped. He would have literally pissed off Arnab and still got just a 30-day ban. Of course, the problem would be if Arnab had done the same… that would make one hell of one pissing contest.

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