By Dr. R. Balasubramaniam

A trip to my neighbourhood barber is never just about getting a haircut. It’s a masterclass in politics, social commentary, economics, cinema and even a crash course in theology — all for the price of a trim. His shop may be small, but his wisdom is vast.

The art of gossip diplomacy

Before the cape is fastened around my neck, the barber leans in with a conspiratorial whisper:

“Did you hear about Sharmaji’s son? Went to America, but now wants to marry a foreigner!”

I nod, pretending to be deeply invested, while knowing that the same news will be relayed to the next customer with an added twist. This is a man who could single-handedly replace prime-time news channels — more breaking news per minute, less shouting.

The unofficial law enforcer

The barber sees all, hears all and occasionally polices all. He knows who parks wrongly, whose kid is the neighbourhood terror and who skipped paying last month’s milk bill. His judgement is swift and final. No courts, no appeals. He is the watchdog the locality never appointed but silently respects.

Politics, the hair-raising  discussion

The scissors pause mid-air whenever the topic shifts to politics. With the intensity of a seasoned analyst, he declares:

“These politicians — all the same. But did you see the new bridge inauguration? Two garlands, ten speeches and still no proper road!”

His political stance shifts based on the customer’s views — an adaptable strategy ensuring business continuity. In his shop, every party is both corrupt and brilliant, depending on the listener.

Cricket: Where every barber is a selector

No haircut is complete without a discussion on cricket. “That shot by Kohli! But our selectors? Clueless!” he

declares, as if he personally advises the BCCI. He critiques batting techniques while expertly manoeuvring the razor, proving that multitasking is truly an art.

Religion and spirituality with a side of shampoo

Between snips, he offers unsolicited spiritual advice.

“Sir, you must visit that new temple — very powerful. You’ll get clarity in life. Did you take a dip at the Triveni Sangam?  Once in a lifetime opportunity, please don’t miss.”

I nod politely, wondering if clarity will also help him give me a haircut that matches my original request.

Space programmes and earthly woes

India’s Mars mission? A proud moment. The latest satellite launch? A topic of deep discussion. But the potholes outside his shop? “Forget Chandrayaan; if they fixed this road, that itself would be a miracle!”

Movies: The ultimate escape

Between two snips of the scissors, I get an entire film review.

“The hero was good, but the villain stole the show! Three fight scenes, one unnecessary song and a climax that made no sense.”

I mentally note that this review is more entertaining than the movie itself.

Conclusion

By the time my haircut is done, I have been informed, entertained and subtly indoctrinated. I walk out not just with a fresh trim, but also with new perspectives, half-confirmed rumours and a strong opinion about things I didn’t care about an hour ago.

Who needs the internet when you have a neighbourhood barber?

[Dr. R. Balasubramaniam, the Founder of Swami Vivekananda Youth Movement, is currently the Member-HR at the Capacity Building Commission of the Government of India, New Delhi.]