Over a cup of evening tea 

By Dr. K. Javeed Nayeem, MD 

My very close friend and fellow Star of Mysore columnist, Ashvini Ranjan, in his most recent post, has written about how he and a small group of friends under the banner of ‘Coffee Connections’ meet every fortnight, over a cup of coffee, to spend an hour-and- a-half of quality time in each other’s company. My wife and I too happen to be members of this motley group of not so like-minded friends.

Yes, you read me right when I said ‘not so like-minded friends’ because that’s exactly what we are but we do spend what can qualify to be called ‘quality time’ and we do it very happily and therefore very eagerly too.

And, while we are there, we discuss everything under the sun, usually without a fixed and pre-agreed topic. And, even when we occasionally do decide to discuss some particular topic, depending on what we see happening around us, we usually end up digressing from it.

This digressing, which is also accompanied by a liberal dose of passionate and vociferous disagreeing, is something we do very happily, without feeling the least bit uneasy or uncomfortable, because we all know that changing this world, with just our shadow boxing, is just not possible. That is why we all long for each other’s company and try very hard not to miss these meetings, as far as possible!

Ashvini in his latest article under ‘Fleeting Thoughts’, has spoken of the very tragic loss of his brother Kiran very recently, in a car accident and the rich and overwhelming tributes which his many friends and relatives paid upon his demise.

Having heard them, he has suggested how good it would be, if we all adopted the practice of acknowledging the good that good people do, while they are still alive and are able to hear it, instead of doing it only at condolence meetings, after they depart from this world and are no more in our midst, to know how we feel about them. What he has suggested is bringing in the tradition of paying tributes to living persons on their birthdays or anniversaries, in what he calls ‘Living Eulogies.’

Yes, he has a very valid point in what he has suggested and I fully understand how glad our friends and relatives will feel, if they are able to be recognised and applauded for whatever good they do, while they are still alive. Irrespective of how humble, modest and self-effacing a person may be, it is human nature to feel happy and pleased whenever someone praises us, even if we are not in the habit of fishing for compliments.

And, a quote by Dr. Robert Anthony, that is also disputably attributed to Walter Winchell too, tells us: ‘Do not to fish for compliments, because they are generally found in shallow waters.’

The Zimbabwean-Canadian author and philosopher, Matshona Dhilwayo too has said, ‘Great fish do not swim in shallow waters’. Yes, simple common sense tells us that shallow waters yield only very small fish that can rightly be likened to superficial and insincere compliments.

But there are some people who look for validation all the time, for all that they do and who show how pleased they are when they get it. Some even go to the extreme extent of discreetly stage-managing felicitation functions for themselves, from time to time, at their own cost, to hear how good they are and how much good they have done.

Very often, what such compliment seekers receive are only surface-level, empty flattery, rather than deeply felt, genuine appreciation.

And, on the other side, there are also many very modest people who feel very uneasy when we praise their good nature or good deeds, even just a little bit and they prefer not to be complimented and applauded for their actions. They prefer to do good just for the sake of doing good, without making a show of it.

I for one, would be greatly embarrassed to listen to my living eulogy from any one, although I would certainly not mind only my loved ones echoing, during my lifetime, the sentiments of the Victorian author and poetess, George Eliot (Mary Ann Evans) who said in 1875: “I would like not only to be loved, but to be also told that I am loved, because the realm of silence is large enough beyond the grave.”

Nevertheless, if we do praise people, in modest measure, we who do it, certainly come across as being among those who are not only quick to acknowledge goodness but also in conveying our appreciation and gratitude.

This act, of paying ‘living eulogies’, to our friends and relatives is what my friend says we should all do, because this is the minimum courtesy that we should all extend to them.

Sadly, this is something that we always do a little too late, only after they have departed from this world, when we hold condolence meetings for them.

But thankfully, when we do it, although the departed themselves are unable to know how we feel about them, their family members and close relatives do feel a little comforted and maybe pleased too, that goodness still has some appreciation in this world.

Now, here is something very interesting which I would like to point out about all condolence meetings. Have you noticed that at every one of these events, that quickly follow the demise of most well-known people, only good is spoken about the departed?

No speaker ever says anything negative about their lives or about any wrong that they might have done while they were living, although we all know very well that as human beings, we all have our faults and foibles.

If we are absolutely honest and not too shy of acknowledging what is true, we can all only agree that most condolence meetings are silent competitions where people actively compete to see who can look and seem the saddest, although they all know that the person whose death they are condoling was not even close to being good, let alone being a saint!

Interestingly, after the condolence meeting and sometimes even as soon as we are leaving the cemetery or cremation ground, we all know how most of us chuckle softly and whisper to each other, how terrible the person was, on whom such glowing tributes were showered.

This is what I call the ‘silent eulogy’ and very often, it is the truest one. Do think about!

[Note: This weekly column is nineteen-years-old now]

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