As the lockdown continues in its various forms and formats, and as COVID-19 changes its strains so also its symptoms, it’s turning people into hypochondriacs — worried about every itch, snitch and sneeze. 

Initially, we were told to look out for chronic dry cough, followed by fever and then difficulty in breathing — very obvious symptoms of a respiratory problem but then suddenly diarrhoea was declared a symptom.

For the past three months many of us have been served not very palatable cuisines as our spouses have embarked on a culinary adventure and this may have given many people the runs, but should we worry that it’s a Covid symptom? Or just wait till the fever and suffocation catches up to see a doctor? 

Then it was reported that signs of “disorientation or exhaustion” could also be a symptom. But banal Covid conversations, worries about the economy, fears of a dystopian future and the tension of sneakily applying hand sanitiser in public lest someone asks for a little blob can be exhausting. And while we are still confused if we should consult a doctor another symptom is announced.

The Centre for Disease Control and Prevention states, “Severe confusion or an inability to wake up or be alert can be warning signs.” But we are confused all the time these days — Is it a Covid symptom or not? Should we see a doctor or not? We aren’t even sure what day of the week it is. All we know now is that a month has 30 days — 4 lockdown Sundays and 26 other days. 

Finally, when in order to have some form of routine, for our own sanity, we try to do yoga or follow a home fitness routine the World Health Organisation (WHO) informs us that about 14 percent of COVID patients reported muscle aches! So should we worry wondering if the ache is from the sudden physical activity or Covid?

Now all this confusion about symptoms could give anyone a headache. Oh! But then according to a study published in the prominent medical journal The Lancet, about 8 percent of COVID-19 patients reported headaches. So now, if we get a headache we may have a bigger headache worrying if it is a COVID headache? This is all very exhausting….oh God! But then again exhaustion is also a symptom. 

Urghh… by the end of this lockdown we may end up pulling our hair out in frustration. Ah! But let’s look at the bright side, no more worrying about haircuts.

Oh! And if you feel your rice tastes like thermocol, it’s not your cook’s fault. And if your bathroom smells as fresh after use as when you first entered it, no, you are not dropping Liril freshness, instead you should be worried — Loss of taste and smell are common Covid symptoms!

Just when we thought all Covid symptoms had manifested and were documented, two days ago Forbes magazine, based on a case study published in the American Journal of Emergency Medicine, published a report that states ‘priapism’ is a symptom. Priapism is a condition where one has a prolonged erection. 

One can only imagine the doctors’ plight now?  After checking your eyes, nose, mouth and lungs, now they have to check you for erection? And either the patient has to show it or they may have to grab it because our people fearing quarantine may lie about it.  

Also, supposedly the erection lasts for hours. One can only hope they don’t die in those erect hours, because in these Covid times the last thing the hospital mortuary staff want is a corpse that is “very hard” to warp. 

All these new COVID symptoms and our masked life reminds me of a joke.

A suspected COVID patient, a white male, about 55 years old in England, was lying in a hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his face. A young female trainee nurse in PPE came by his bed to give him a partial sponge bath.

As she wiped his chest, he mumbled from behind his mask, “Nurse, nurse.” 

She said, “Yes sir, how may I help you?”

He asked her, “Nurse, are my testicles black?”

The young trainee nurse was taken aback and embarrassed but replied, “I don’t know sir, I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.” 

The patient again, struggling for breath asked, “Nurse, please…please tell me, are my                             testicles black?”

Aware of the many COVID symptoms popping up every day she thought this could be another new one, so she overcame her awkwardness and pulled back the blanket covering the man.

She then bent low to take a good look at his testicles, moved it around to get a better look. She then reported with a sigh of relief, “Oh! Good news sir. Your testicles are not black.”

The man then with great effort pulled himself up, removed his mask, smiled and said, “Sweetheart, thank you very much. That was wonderful. But listen very closely and carefully this time…I just want to know… ARE – MY – TEST – RESULTS – BACK?”

As every other manifestation seems like a Covid symptom and as we wait for the elusive cure and vaccine, guess laughter is the best medicine we have, for now. 

Let’s hope a happy disposition will give us the positive attitude that will keep us COVID negative. 

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