By Dr. R. Balasubramaniam

Public transport is a miracle of modern civilisation. It reduces traffic, saves fuel and brings diverse groups of people together in one confined, vibrating and often smelly space. But with this noble purpose comes a great peril — The unapologetic loud media consumer.

We all know them. They are the ones who believe that their play-list is a gift to humanity, that their Instagram Reels deserve a full-volume public screening and that their gaming sound effects should reverberate across the bus like a war zone.

The symphony of suffering

Many of you may have had this experience.  You board a train, hoping for a peaceful ride. You find your seat and just as you settle in, it begins. A fellow passenger — a man in his 40s with an unshakable confidence — decides that now is the perfect time to blast an 80s Bollywood remix from his phone speaker. No headphones, no shame, just raw enthusiasm.

A few seats away, a teenager is watching a reel of someone making an omelette in slow motion. The soundtrack? A high-pitched, auto-tuned voice screeching motivational nonsense: “NEVER GIVE UP ON YOUR DREAMS… EVEN AN EGG STARTS AS NOTHING!!”

And then there is the gamer. Click-click-boom. Every shot fired, every jump executed, every virtual coin collected must be heard by all, lest we forget the sacrifices made in the noble pursuit of high scores.

Tactics for taming the noise

Surviving this auditory assault requires strategy, patience and sometimes, an existential crisis. Here are a few tried-and-tested methods that has worked for me:

The death stare: The first instinct is to turn toward the culprit and deliver the internationally recognised look of disapproval. This works only 1% of the time, usually on children under five who mistake you for their school principal. Everyone else is immune.

The passive-aggressive headphone manoeuvre: You dramatically pull out your own headphones and make a big show of increasing your volume. Unfortunately, this just turns your suffering into a battle of decibels and soon the entire vehicle sounds like a nightclub running five different genres at once.

The strategic relocation: You get up, move away, find a quieter spot, only to realise there is a second offender playing a WhatsApp forward about why garlic cures everything from heartbreak to global warming.

The direct approach: The most courageous among us might dare to say, “Excuse me, could you use headphones?” This usually results in either awkward silence or a debate on personal freedom. You may even be met with the ultimate argument, “But it is a public place!” Yes, sir, and I would like my eardrums to remain publicly functional.

The acceptance stage: Finally, after all methods fail, you surrender. You accept that the universe has placed you here for a reason — to build patience, to cultivate inner peace and to question all your life choices leading up to this moment. You become one with the noise. You embrace the chaos. You, too, start playing something loud, but only for the irony.

A call to headphones

Dear public transport noise-makers, we respect your right to enjoy your entertainment. We really do. But if you could kindly transfer that joy from your phone speakers to a pair of headphones, the world would be a better place. A quieter, saner, less homicidal place.

Until then, fellow commuters, we fight on. Armed with noise-cancelling headphones, tactical seat selections and the enduring hope that one day, silence will return to the buses, trains and flights of the world.

Or at least, that the WiFi stops working mid-clip.

[Dr. R. Balasubramaniam is the Founder of Swami Vivekananda Youth Movement. ‘The Lighter Side’ is a series of satirical articles meant to bring a smile by highlighting the funny side of everyday life.]